Remembering Lydia

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving here in St. Louis (thanks for asking). Husband literally begged me to make a pie. I wasn't in charge of the pies, but he wanted left-overs for "Friday Morning Pie Extravaganza" (aka, eat left-over pie for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving). I finally gave in. But one pie was not enough because there must be "choices" on F.M.P.E. Sigh. Good thing I'm the best wife ever. I made a pie and an almost-pie (apple crisp - I didn't want to worry about a crust). So here we are on F.M.P.E. enjoying pie (a tradition I am grateful we have - so fun and so delish and making a banana cream pie from scratch is SUPER easy.)

The rest of F.M.P.E. was spent putting up Christmas while husband studied. You can't tell from the picture, but our FREE pre-lit Christmas tree smells like a combination of an old lady, cigarettes, and wet cat. Thanks to an entire can of Febreeze and our scentsy we don't even notice it anymore. :)

If you look close you can see the butterfly ornaments - of course for Lydia. Love them.

While I absolutely love this time of year, it does not come without some sadness. Most of my Christmas decorations were either given to me by my Mom, or inherited after she died. Each has a memory and a sense of longing for things that are no more. Oh how I wanted to place Lydia under the sparkling Christmas tree so she could enjoy staring at the lights. But amidst the tears that I allowed to flow freely on that day, I could not deny the feelings of Peace, Joy, and Love that came from decorating for the CHRISTmas season. What a wonderful Gift we have been given in the gift of the Savior's birth and life.

Thanks to a good friend who helped inspire this idea, we have come up with a way to help remember Lydia at Christmas.  For each act of service we give during the month of December,we add a hershey Kiss to her stocking. (Yes, doing the dishes counts as an act of service in my book - I figure the more kisses the better.) I might not be able to kiss my baby now, but I can honor her and love her in other ways. I can't wait until Lydia has younger siblings who can help us fill the stocking - I think it will be a great way for them to connect with their big sis.

We're heading back home in 11 days. SO EXCITED! Can't wait to stuff my face all week long, spend time with family, and visit Lydia's grave. It will be a wonderful week. Merry Christmas one and all!

Provident Living

I remember all growing up, my dad used to walk around the house saying "Provident living." As a naive little girl who believed everything her parents told her, here is what I thought it meant to live providently:

• The lights in the house stay off at (almost) all costs. Walking through dark hallways in the basement is normal and necessary as turning on the lights will increase the utility bill.
• Shoes are worn until they have holes in them. And if you're my dad, you wear your shoes until they get holes, use duct tape to patch the holes, and then wear the duct tape through. Repeat this process several times until your wife forces you to buy a new pair of shoes.
• Sponges that are used to clean the bathrooms are used until they start falling apart. Only then should they be replaced.
• Powdered milk. Back before Morning Moo's came out, it wasn't too bad - except for the after taste. I learned to leave one bite of mush at the end of breakfast - I would gulp down the last of my milk and quickly shove in the last bit of mush to dull the powdered milk after-taste.
• Windshield wipers are only used during torrential downpours, and even then you leave them on the lowest setting. It makes perfect sense, because the more you use the windshield wipers the sooner they will go out.

As I grew into the mature adult that I am, I realized that I don't have to be quite as provident as I thought. No, we don't drink powdered milk, and Dan hasn't duct taped any of his shoes (however if he has the windshield wipers going when it's not raining I simply MUST reach over and turn them off - it's still a pet peeve of mine). But in light of the school loans that blaw school is requiring, I have become a nerdy couponer. I promise I'm not crazy and I don't hoard, but I've been amazed at how much I'm able to save. And I can't believe I used to waste so much money paying full price for everything. I've even got Dan into it. This picture is from a couponing date night (after the temple of course). Thanks to triple-couponing week, we scored $70 worth of groceries for $24. Yay for coupons and husbands who will come with me sometimes. :)

How are you REALLY doing?

I get that question a lot lately, and since many of you are dear friends who I can't catch-up with over lunch at Zupa's, I thought I'd give an update.

Physically I am doing really well. I don't nap like a 2-year-old anymore (which is good since I'm working full-time again) and I'm actually back at the gym (shock!) I thought it would be a good idea to start doing some crunches as my baby belly pooch is definitely still in the way. However, my first attempt at a sit-up brought back some extremely painful memories and I had flashbacks to the hospital days. I almost screamed, but there was a guy with a creepster mustache next to me and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. :)  So we'll wait awhile before trying those again.

Emotionally, we are doing better than we thought we would be. Honestly, Dan and I have had several conversations about how well we are doing, and how we know it stems from so many prayers. We are happy, we are surviving, and our marriage is stronger than ever. I picked up Lydia's birth certificate a few weeks ago - for some reason knowing she lived even for a short time brings comfort as it means that her spirit and her body were united on this earth. That being said, there are still many heart-wrenching moments as well as days of general sadness. As one who is accustomed to grief, I know this is normal and those days and moments will never fully go away. I miss my baby more than my heart can stand sometimes, and seeing little babies every where I go doesn't help, but time and the atonement heal many wounds. There have also been very tender moments where I have felt her next to me, cheering me on. Sometimes I can almost hear her saying, "Come on Mom, you can do it!" I cherish those moments.

Lydia's headstone was placed a couple of weeks ago, and while I haven't seen it in person, but the family sent pictures for me. Here you can see Lydia's headstone, the bench for my mom, and my sister's headstone. They say death comes in three's, so hopefully this means my family is done for a while. A long while.

A story about the butterfly: while we were in the hospital, Dan and I quickly noticed there was a small butterfuly hanging on the wall just outside our door, but not on any other patient's doors. We realized the hospital staff used it as a symbol so they would know to be sensitive to the fact that our baby had died. Now whenever we see a butterfuly we are reminded of Lydia, and the love we have for her. It's amazing how many butterflies I have seen in the last 3 months. A friend suggested we have some sort of symbol to represent Lydia in future family pictures, so of course we decided on the butterfly. In coming years when you see our family pictures, know that somewhere in the shot is a butterfly. A moment in our arms, forever in our hearts.

And just in case you missed the Saturday morning session of General Conference, you have got to listen to this talk by Elder Bowen. He gives voice to any parent who has ever lost a child - his description of the emotions that parents feel is very accurate, and this was obviously my favorite talk.

Sometimes, we have fun.

A few weekends ago we jumped on the "highway" and headed to Nashville. Our good friends Emily and Mike braved it with us (they're the bestest!)
Some of the highlights:

• The bloody hotel (vomit)
• Our waiter . . . or was it our waitress? (gender issues)
• The tunes on main street (hello awesome blues band and dueling pianos)
• The coupon book that saved us roughly $73 dollars
•  The pool - or lack thereof
• Opryland Hotel. Seriously, so cool.
• Randomly stopping for gas in Metropolis, Illinois - hometown of Superman.

And I had to remind myself that I still know photoshop. Lucky you!

"Spjute-ing It"

Confession to anyone who doesn't know me (because I'm pretty sure everyone who does know me, already knows this): I am kind of (really) OCD when it comes to being prepared for things and thinking ahead about what I might need.  I guess I just don't like the stress that comes when things have to be done last-minute, so I try to avoid it at all costs, and I like to get things done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

For examples:

• I'm either early or on time to basically everything.
• All throughout my school years, I ALWAYS had big projects done at least a week in advance. Yes, I was that annoying student who never turned anything in late. Ever.
• BEFORE I was officially engaged: I had an appointment to get my dress (and I already had my choice of dresses narrowed down to just a few), the temple was reserved, the luncheon room and reception rooms were both reserved, the live music for the reception was booked, the photographer was booked (along with a date and time for our engagement photos to be taken), and I had informed my boss he was going to need a new teacher in January. (Good thing neither of us backed out!)
• At my first "We're pregnant!" doctor's appointment, the nurse gave us a bunch of informational pamphlets - one included the info for an all-day "birthing" class at the hospital and she told me they filled up quickly so I would want to book right away. Like any good girl, I gave them a call the following week. The secretary told me they would book us for a class that was fairly close to our due date and asked when mine was. I told her. There was silence on the other line before she busted up laughing.  She said she'd NEVER had anyone sign up that early. Pretty sure I made for a good story among her co-workers that day. (Yes, I know I'm a freak.)

Dan "loves" this about me, and came up with a new verb after we got engaged. He said I could "Spjute" out any task in half the time a normal person could. Generally this overly-efficient way of living is good, but sometimes it makes me too impatient if I can't "Spjute" something out right away. For example, waiting 9 months for a baby to come is WAY too long if you ask me.

So after we found out we were pregnant I started looking for deals on baby stuff - both new and used, and started my collection (we had her crib when I was only 16 weeks prego). I'd say I had more than the average amount of stuff for how far along we were, and since my family threw me a shower I had bags full of cute girl clothes.

I stored almost everything in the closet in the spare bedroom, and since Lydia's passing I have avoided making eye contact with it whenever I had to open the closet door. But I couldn't let it sit there forever, so last week I decided it was time to put it all away. For now. You want to know the amazing thing? I didn't cry. I let myself feel of Lydia's spirit and I truly enjoyed all the really cute things we had. I laid out all the clothes/quilts and took a picture - little girls are just so cute!

I even imagined Lydia wearing each outfit. I folded each piece of clothing and placed it gently in a bin, anxious for the day when Lydia's little sister can wear her "hand-me-downs" while I tell her stories about her older sister who fought so hard for her brief life. In the mean time, I'm sure that every once in a while I will need to get out my box of baby things so I can enjoy the fact that - although her time here was too short - I have a baby girl. And a beautiful one at that.

Le Weep!

Thursday night I made a tragic discovery: my old-school ipod is gone. It might be older, heavier, and thicker than your ipod, but it has stood the test of time and probably has more miles on it than a 1990 Honda Civic.

For the past six years, this thing has been with me in virtually every trip to the gym, helped me stay awake during my daily 30-minute-each-way commute (thank goodness for books-on-iPod), and has traveled with me to Japan, England, Mexico, Canada, Hawaii, Minneapolis, Long Beach, San Francisco, Dallas, Idaho, Oregon, Chicago, Catalina Island, Houston, New York, Seattle, Montana, and probably a few more places I can't remember.

Where is my dear friend? Somewhere in the hands of a Delta employee. It's true. I left it on my last flight (I blame it on the pain meds). But since I haven't been doing any exercising, traveling, or commuting in the last 4 weeks, I didn't notice it was missing until now, and Delta only holds lost and found items for 7 days. Sigh.

My future commuting and trips to the gym could get VERY long. Donations to Pennies for Pods are now being accepted. :)

Recovering

I've decided I'm getting old. While I do recognize that I went through a very major surgery, I am here to tell you that my body is not bouncing back like it would have 5 years ago. I'm a mere 6 weeks from turning the dreaded 30. Woof.

Anyway, I am definitely recovering, and I no longer look like Tim Allen in the movie The Santa Clause (remember how he has to wear sweats to a business meeting to cover up his embarrassing weight gain and he tells people he got stung by a really big bee? That was me!) I'm done retaining water and am now just waiting for my uterus to get back to normal size (apologies to my dad for the use of the "u" word). I don't have energy to run a marathon (or walk one) - so my days are filled with random things: lots of reading, I have to get in at least one episode of Lost each day (thank you netflix), and lots of sleep (I realized the other day that I am like a 2 year old. I sleep at least 10 hours each night, and if I don't get my afternoon nap I get grumpy.) But all in all, I'm doing well and the doctors say I'm coming right along. :)

Here are some random pics for your viewing pleasure:

 This picture doesn't do it justice, but during one of our hospital visits, my i.v. blew and my hand swelled to gargantuan size in a matter of minutes. Dan thought it was cool.

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Just in case you're lucky enough to never have been in the hospital for an extended period of time, flowers really do help brighten the dreary rooms. I'm not exaggerating when I say that every person who walked into our room commented on how beautiful the flowers looked, and how wonderful they smelled. They were right. THANK YOU to those who contributed to this floral blissfulness.

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Lydia's burial dress. Isn't it BEAUTIFUL? Custom-made by a wonderful family friend in Utah. She's amazing enough that she even made us 2 identical dresses, so I have one to cherish forever. THANK YOU!

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My "Lydia Shrine." People have been extremely kind and generous to us during this difficult time. A roommate from college painted "The Lydia Tree" you see on the left. The blanket is the very same one we wrapped her in at the hospital. And the list goes on - so many amazing things to help honor our little girl. THANK YOU!

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And who knew? Apparently my husband should quit school and start his own sandwich-making shop. Seriously - he's a genius when it comes to crafting a delicious masterpiece. Here's what he said moments before I snapped this photo: "It's kind of like holding a giant fish!" Love.Him.

14 in 2!

It's true. I lost 14 pounds in 2 days and am now considering a debut on the Biggest Loser. :) We are home from the hospital and I think it's safe to say that I am now recovering like a normal person. I still have some more water weight to lose, but all-in-all, it feels good to have my body back to normal-ish size. Oh that losing weight after the holidays could be as quick!

Alive and (mostly) Well

If I had things my way I would have my amazing husband continue the blog from here on out. He is my hero and has been my rock through all of this, but I'm not sure I could convince him to do the blogging for much longer. And since it gives me something to do while I recover, you are stuck with me.

Dan put it well when he said I am not a fan of publishing my personal thoughts and feelings on the world wide web (not sure why . . . you'd think the technology teacher in me would be all over that kind of thing) but I will say a few things here.

We feel immense heartache at losing our little Lydia. But we cannot deny that we have been blessed beyond measure.  Those blessings help keep us going during the hard moments. But what has really kept us going is the knowledge we have that we will see Lydia again. I take comfort in the fact that Dan and I were not only married for this life, but sealed to each other and to our children in a Temple of the Lord for time AND for all eternity. And I don't know about you, but I can't wait for eternity.

The Salt Lake Temple where Dan and I were married

I was thinking I might go ahead and list all the blessings we've received (which would mostly include a long list of what people have done for us) but I know I would leave someone or something out, and many items would be much too personal or sacred to share. But once again we extend our gratitude to those who have reached out in any way with words of comfort, support, and love. They do make a difference to us. We thank you and we love you.

And now a little update on us:
After my week-long stint in the hospital, we had a couple badly-needed days of "us" time in our little apartment in St. Louis before we headed to Utah. Both families were awaiting with open arms to comfort and mourn with us. We held a small service for Lydia while there. It was perfect in every way and I will never forget it. Remember how I said we have seen so many blessings? One huge blessing is that we were able to bury Lydia in the same plot as my mom. Which also means she is only a few feet away from my sister. It gives me so much comfort as a mom to know that she is surrounded by family.

My beloved cemetery

After such a major surgery, I of course was not up to 100% when we left, so we spent a lot of time resting for my sake . . . which means we've watched a LOT of Olympics. Go USA! We headed back to St. Louis and went to the doctor  for a check-up . . . . and since I can't do anything the easy way, the doctor quickly admitted us back into the hospital. And we just HAPPENED to be put in the same room as before. The doctors say my water-retention is getting much better (I won't tell you how huge I was) and I should be able to leave tomorrow. Once again, thank goodness for the Olympics to get me through this visit! And hopefully by the next time I write, I won't have to update you on anymore hospital visits. Amen.

Daddy's Little Girl

The last few days: A Synopsis

This is Dan, Alicia's husband. I imagine that I will be updating everyone via this blog for the time being. I know Alicia would do a better job, but you have me so hang in there.

I hope that giving these updates will somewhat satiate the desire I know that many have for information on Alicia's feelings and for her current condition, yet I know that my description will not be enough for the far majority. I therefore beg your patience. If you know Alicia, you know that she would be mortified at the thought of sharing the most important events of her life on the viral world. The loss of Lydia is such an event.

Before I go through the progression of the last few days I will say that there have been many many peaceful moments. There have also been many heart wrenching moments. I will not explore our emotions here except to say that we are grateful and we hurt, we feel much peace and great sorrow. Thank you for your prayers and fasting and hopes on our behalf. They are making the difference.

We knew that the procedure of removing the tumor from baby was a very difficult procedure.On tumors like the one Lydia had (very rare) the survival rate has been 50%. If we did not do something there was no chance of survival. Her chances of survival if she was born at 25 weeks and with the tumor were extremely low. Not only did we choose the statistically best option, we felt immense peace that it was the best direction to go.

Last Thursday the doctors successfully removed as much of the tumor as they could in the very small window of time that they had. They put her back inside of Alicia and then monitored her from outside the Uterus hoping that she would handle the surgery alright. The problem was that Lydia's heart was used to pumping blood for twice her size (the tumor was as big as she was.) Her strong little heart could not withstand the substantial change of and she started to go into heart failure.

I was informed of the problem and later told that they would have to deliver and attempt to resuscitate her. They told me the probability was low and they would likely call me in to hold her in during final moments.

I was brought into the room with Lydia for the last few minute of their work on her and I got hold her hand. I honestly felt like her spirit was already gone even though her heart was still valiantly struggling on. When her heart began further giving out they swaddled her up and let me hold her. It is something I never thought I would have to do, it broke my heart and I'm so grateful I got to do it. It felt like a great privilege. I only wish Alicia could have been there to hold her herself.

I got to carry her to the room where Alicia would recover and I called our parents with the sad news. I was also able to clean her up and dress her in a beautiful white dress the nurses gave me.

Alicia was wheeled in after about an hour and though she was heavily drugged she was coherent and understood the hard news I gave her. All she could do was shake since her physical pain and the drugs would not allow more. I held Lydia up so Alicia could see her for about an hour until Alicia could move her arms enough to hold her herself.

Even in her weakened condition Alicia held her like only a mother could. She is a very sweet mom.

The nursing staff was so nice and watched out for us and took pictures for us, so that we would have something to remember her by. We know that it was not an easy job for the doctors and nurses but it is one that will be appreciated for the rest of our lives.

After a few hours and when Alicia was too tired to remain awake any longer we said our goodbyes to our dear daughter, even though we never wanted to let go. I was able to wheel her away to the room they placed her in until she could be taken to the morgue. It was the last thing I could do for her.

We sure love our little girl and can't wait to be with Lydia more someday. God must love her a lot too.
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Here is some on Alicia's recovery.

It took a couple of days for the anesthesia to fully wear off. This mean't that she has been sleeping a ton and in pain or getting meds the other part. Since she didn't have a normal C-section (it was more like a double C-section) the doctors and nurses were not exactly sure how to treat her.

The real problem with this is that they could not manage her pain like we were hoping. Often times she would spend an hour in excruciating pain before she had the right dose of medication she needed. The medical staff was trying to get her digestive system working and the drugs they were giving for pain would put that system back to sleep. Ultimately, this mean't they would try to have fewer pain meds for longer time and that left her in agony.

After several attempts to sort this out with the nurses I finally had a half-hour pow-wow with our nursing staff  (that isn't to say they have not done a great job, because they have) about how her pain was top priority and we needed better care and communication on the subject. Things have since been much better.

Because her digestive track was not working that means a build up of gases in Alicia's abdomen so that she still has pressure and a belly and that causes her more pain. After days of hoping that she would be able to pass gas (yep we know that is a strange thing to hope for) she stayed up all night last night and her digestive track finally started working.

Hurrah!!!

Alicia went almost 5 days without food. That blows my mind, but then I love my food. We got her walking around and eating broth and jello so we will hopefully be out of the hospital by tomorrow or the next day. She is the ultimate trooper.

Her physical health has improved her emotional one though she still can't cry like I know she needs to. We have had some good 'us' moments and we know there will be more. Many of our tears are also tears of thankfulness to those who have done so much.

Our room is full of flowers. Thank you to everyone who did that for my wife. You are the salt of the earth to us. Those kind acts do make a  difference. Thank you for all the emails and phone calls and texts. We have answered almost none of them, but Alicia asked me to read them to her the other night and they were a wonderful comforter and sign that God often acts through others. Thank you for being his hands.

We love you all and are again most grateful for your prayers.

Families are Forever

Lydia Ditto

Born July 19

We will love you forever and look forward to seeing you again.

Mom and Dad

D-day

The decision has been made and we feel SO good about it. Open fetal surgery occurs tomorrow! Essentially they will remove as much of the tumor as possible without delivering the baby (we have GOT to give her a name. . . we're working on it . . . I've discovered I'm very non-committal when it comes to naming my children). They'll put her back inside the uterus, stitch us up, and she'll hopefully "cook" for at least a few more weeks. (Thank goodness for pain medications. Amen.)

While there are a lot of risks, we feel this is our best option and we're glad that we finally get to DO something. (While sitting in the house, taking 2 naps a day, and eating a lot of ice cream has been fun, I'm ready for something to happen!) Thank you all for your prayers!!! We'll try to keep the blog as updated as possible, but do not fret if you don't see anything for a couple of days.

And for your viewing pleasure - this is what my swollen feet look like (this picture doesn't do it justice).

"What Happens to One, Happens to All"

For whatever reason I have never wanted to turn my non-private blog into anything similar to my private journal, but as circumstances in our little family's life are progressing, I have felt stronger and stronger there are things that need to be shared with those who are so concerned for us.

7 weeks ago, Dan and I went to the doctor for our monthly check-up, greatly anticipating finding out the gender of the little baby we affectionately called "Lou" (we do live in St. Louis after all). We were both shocked (but super excited) to find our hunches were incorrect and we were having a girl!! (New fetus name: Loula.) But something just didn't seem right. While we waited to see the doctor, we just assumed that whatever was wrong had something to do with the placenta previa I had been diagnosed with one month earlier. A couple of doctors returned, and after another 20 minutes of ultrasounding (totally just made up that word), we were told our baby had a tumor.

They didn't have many specific details for us - just a lot of generalities. We were referred to a specialist and had to wait 3 weeks before the baby was big enough to do any further testing. Dan left for his internship in Utah just days after we heard the news - so for over a month we kept in touch via skype, while amazing friends from the ward rallied around me in St. Louis.

Of course the prayers and messages of concern began pouring in from the beginning. We didn't shout it out the world, as we didn't know much about our specific situation, but somehow people began finding out, and we were lifted by the prayers and fasting of so many family and friends.

After extensive testing, we have learned more. This tumor is rare (about 1 in 40,000) but our specific case hits the extremely rare button with the way this tumor is developing and growing. It is based off her tailbone and is growing (mostly externally) at an alarming rate, due to the 2 arteries that are feeding it blood. We affectionately call it her "ghetto bootie" as the mass is now slightly larger than the size of her head.

These tumors have a mind of their own and no doctor can predict how one will behave differently from another. The biggest cause for concern in our case lies in the fact that her little heart has to work over-time to supply blood to her body and this tumor, and without intervention she will eventually go into cardiac arrest. This process has been a watching and waiting game as we watch for signs that lead to heart failure.

Last week, Dan and I felt strongly that it was time for him to return to St. Louis. Through a miraculous chain of events, he made it in at midnight the night before our appointment last week. At this appointment they saw signs of anemia in the baby (not enough blood for both baby & tumor), so we underwent an operation where the doctors gave her a blood transfusion through her umbilical cord. At the same time they reduced the crazy amount of amniotic fluid I had been carrying (another result of the tumor - they took out more than half a gallon!). Teams of doctors were on stand-by during the procedure in case anything went wrong, so they would be ready to deliver our baby at a moments notice. Answers to prayers came in a big way that day - everything went as smooth as it possibly could have. Both mom and baby tolerated everything well, and the doctors were extremely pleased with the results and the fact that it bought is at least a few more days.

Dr. Ditto! Possible career change in the future? :)

 I cannot describe to you the tender mercies of how blessed we are to be in St. Louis with a team of doctors who can actually handle us. While we are far from family, we are close to excellent care, and are extremely grateful for that huge blessing from the Lord. They are incredible and have been conversing with doctors throughout the country on the best course of action (I often wonder if our head doctor ever sees his family with how much time he puts into us - and we're only one patient!)

Despite the positive outcome of last week's procedures, things are developing in a way that heart failure will occur if we don't intervene soon. Decision time has come. We could deliver early and remove the tumor once she is stable (usually within days), or the doctors perform fetal surgery by removing as much of the tumor as possible without actually giving birth, which would give her more time to grow and develop inside the womb and a more invasive surgery would occur after birth.  All options are risky for many different reasons, but it's looking like something will happen either by the end of this week or beginning of next. Continued prayers are that the doctors will be guided to the best course of action for our family.

If anyone is actually still reading this eternally long post, this is for you:
I was reminded this morning of a talk given at General Conference a few years ago by Bishop Richard C. Edgley - titled "What Happens to One, Happens to All." He described several instances when wards and neighbors rallied around those who were facing difficult trials - ward members helped and felt compassion as if the trial had happened to them. As one who in years past has felt the effects of prayers from others, the St. Louis Ditto's extend our deepest appreciation to those of you - known and unknown - who have petitioned the Lord in our behalf. Your prayers and fasts have been heard and we are being sustained by an incredible unseen power that is stronger than if you were all here to offer physical hugs and words of comfort. We are grateful to the Lord for His kindnesses in dealing with us, and know He is aware of our tiny little family and our needs at the moment. We have faith that through the atonement of Christ, all will be made well, and all will be made right. We have hope and faith that our little girl will live a full and long and healthy life. But if not, we know the Lord will take care of us as He always has, and as He always will.

school.is.out

Here's a little rundown of what we've been doing since Dan finished his first year of bLaw school (a feat in itself, if I do say so):

We finally took some time to do the "touristy" things in the city. This place is totally worth a visit.

 

Camping AND a float trip all in one? Yes, PLEASE! (Isn't he a hot Pocahontas?)

Of course we had a heat wave while we were camping. These fat sausages were the reason Dan did all the paddling.

If anyone could find a rope swing it would be Dan! (but this is Rob - Dan's in the next pic)

Dan

Devin

Holly

Crystallyn (and me and Holly)

Since the prego couldn't rope swing, this is what I did. (Totally LOVE our waterproof camera!)

best.food.ever - and bless the husband for cooking it. Did I do ANYTHING on this trip?

Nauvoo in one day? Totally do-able

What is it with men and flexing?

Bathroom break - as my Dad would say, "Seeing a man about a tractor" (tee hee)

Family reunion in Boise!!! Marcus the Carcus

Meganita

"Uncle Dan is the coolest!" (direct quote from one of the kids)

Bean!!!

Extreme Ice Blocking (seriously intense - too intense for the prego lady)

That ice must be real heavy

No, Dan does not smoke licorice.

BABY SHOWER!!!! Thanks to all the cousins & aunties for the amazing gifts! Can you tell what we're having?

It's a girl!!!!!!!!!!
and yes, we're stoked about the batman pj's from Cuzin Erica :)

God's Love

This morning as I was eating my bowl of cheerios (totally healthy for the baby, right?) I decided I'd do a little "prep myself for church" and stumbled across this video. This seeming coincidence that I found something I needed so much today is obviously a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father.

I'm getting a lot of those these days - His love is being shown in more ways than I ever could have imagined, mostly through friends and family (that's you!) as we deal with the fact that our unborn baby has a tumor.  Yet through it all I remain calm - uplifted and sustained by prayers of so many. The road ahead might be more than a bit scary, but we've got each other, and most importantly we've got the Lord.

"Therefore, let your hearts be comforted . . . for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God."

Prego Brain

My brain hasn't worked in years. I've always felt I had something to blame it on - Break-up Brain, Teacher Brain, Second-hand Chemo Brain, Bride Brain, Prego Brain -  but I think it's time I stopped making excuses about the fact that I am forgetful and sometimes do crazy things (like try to put the clean blender away in the fridge).

Since I have the BHE (Best.Husband.Ever) he nicely created this list for me so I would stop forgetting things when I leave for work. (Can't tell you how many times I've forgotten one or more of the things on this list). He posted it right next to the door. And don't think I didn't notice which one has the most exclamation points. :)

Speaking of the BHE - as of this last weekend, we have finally known each other for a year. Whenever people ask when we met, we strategically avoid answering the question. Now we can say "last May" and not feel so weird. Yay for love!

My Girls

This was taken the last time the 3 of us were together in this life. I was blessed with an amazing year at home with my mom, but I guess I had to share her with Lindsey. Grateful for the times I feel them around and can't wait for eternity to come!

Never Fear, Our Fetus is Here!

Isn't Louie cute? (FYI - in my family we always give the baby funny names when they're in the womb. This one is Louie after St. Louis, but we usually just shorten it to Lou. Makes it seem more human and less alien.) Lou MUST be related to his dad because he would NOT stop moving (which was super fun to watch).

And for all of you who have requested, here is a picture of my belly. I won't tell you how long ago this was taken so you can just think it's what I look like now. (I'm holding Lou's first onesie. Appropriately BYU Cougars themed from my favorite Aunt Lisa (thanks Lisa!!)).

It's a Twister! (well, not quite)

Last night we had our 2nd tornado warning since we've lived here. Dan was studying and I was getting ready for our evening out at a bar with some friends from law school (don't worry, we stayed sober) when the alarms started going off.  Things outside changed SO fast - one minute it was a typical cloudy-thunder-and-lightning-stormy-sky and the next it was pitch black (literally). We opened the back door and all I can say is it was CRAZY out there. Between the wind and the rain and the hail, it looked like something I've only ever seen in movies. At that point we headed down to our "shelter" (hereafter known as the dungeon).

A little description of our dungeon (which we're grateful to have): The floor is made of dirt, the ceiling is too low to stand up straight, the lights rarely work, and if I start telling you about the spiders you'll have nightmares for a week (really, you would). But we figured it was safer than getting blown to smithereens by a giant tornado.

So we grabbed a couple flashlights and headed down. We found a couple of boxes to sit on and Dan promised to keep all spiders off me, so we were doing well, although we could still hear the storm raging it's fury on the world. About 5 minutes into our dungeon stay, water started coming out of the wall. I'm not talking about a relaxing little trickle that gradually makes its way down the wall and onto the floor, we're talking a full-on fire hose amount of water. One second there was nothing, the next second the water was flowing like Niagra and our little dungeon was filling up fast (of course I didn't have a camera to get a picture of the water coming out. Lame.)

Luckily the worst of the storm ended not too long after the lake started forming in our basement. And luckily there was no damage to property or car (except for the fire hose in the dungeon). We went on to have a great night with friends, and even had an adventurous and very late-night drive BACK to the bar after getting home and realizing that Dan's phone had fallen out in the parking lot (in the middle of a monsoon rain shower of course). It sort of works. Say a little prayer for Dan's phone to fully recover.

Change. How I Love Thee.

Let's have a recap of the last 9 months of my life, shall we? (Beware . . . lots of pictures. But make sure you get to the end - it will be worth it!)

Last May I met Dan on a blind date (thank you Tiff & Llyr)

We spent the summer traveling the world . . . or maybe just the U.S. of A. (This is THE famous Pepperjack.)

We skyped. A lot.

We got engaged!!!!

I planned a wedding while my fiance lived over 1,300 miles away and was more than a bit busy with Blaw school (I mean, Law school).

Left my 7-year career as a teacher - Adios Skyline!

MARRIAGE! Best day ever. Best decision ever.

Moved half-way across the country.

Got a new job in a new career. Say hello to Save-A-Lot's newest Administrative Assistant. (This pic has nothing to do with my job and everything to do with me FINALLY meeting Dan's brother who is on a mission here. The Pres let us do a session in the temple together. Yay for families!)

Speaking of families . . . sometime around October 30th ish, we'll have our own family of THREE! SO STOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!