Physically I am doing really well. I don't nap like a 2-year-old anymore (which is good since I'm working full-time again) and I'm actually back at the gym (shock!) I thought it would be a good idea to start doing some crunches as my baby belly pooch is definitely still in the way. However, my first attempt at a sit-up brought back some extremely painful memories and I had flashbacks to the hospital days. I almost screamed, but there was a guy with a creepster mustache next to me and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. :) So we'll wait awhile before trying those again.
Emotionally, we are doing better than we thought we would be. Honestly, Dan and I have had several conversations about how well we are doing, and how we know it stems from so many prayers. We are happy, we are surviving, and our marriage is stronger than ever. I picked up Lydia's birth certificate a few weeks ago - for some reason knowing she lived even for a short time brings comfort as it means that her spirit and her body were united on this earth. That being said, there are still many heart-wrenching moments as well as days of general sadness. As one who is accustomed to grief, I know this is normal and those days and moments will never fully go away. I miss my baby more than my heart can stand sometimes, and seeing little babies every where I go doesn't help, but time and the atonement heal many wounds. There have also been very tender moments where I have felt her next to me, cheering me on. Sometimes I can almost hear her saying, "Come on Mom, you can do it!" I cherish those moments.
Lydia's headstone was placed a couple of weeks ago, and while I haven't seen it in person, but the family sent pictures for me. Here you can see Lydia's headstone, the bench for my mom, and my sister's headstone. They say death comes in three's, so hopefully this means my family is done for a while. A long while.
A story about the butterfly: while we were in the hospital, Dan and I quickly noticed there was a small butterfuly hanging on the wall just outside our door, but not on any other patient's doors. We realized the hospital staff used it as a symbol so they would know to be sensitive to the fact that our baby had died. Now whenever we see a butterfuly we are reminded of Lydia, and the love we have for her. It's amazing how many butterflies I have seen in the last 3 months. A friend suggested we have some sort of symbol to represent Lydia in future family pictures, so of course we decided on the butterfly. In coming years when you see our family pictures, know that somewhere in the shot is a butterfly. A moment in our arms, forever in our hearts.
And just in case you missed the Saturday morning session of General Conference, you have got to listen to this talk by Elder Bowen. He gives voice to any parent who has ever lost a child - his description of the emotions that parents feel is very accurate, and this was obviously my favorite talk.
