The Lydia Project

Today I was reading a blog of a young mom who's 18-month old drowned in a tragic accident. It was a tender story that touched my heart in so many ways. She was very open about her grief, and I was really impressed with how she dealt with it all. I think in some ways, grieving has become such a norm in my life that I forget it's not normal for everyone else. I remember after Lydia died, my Relief Society president kindly asking if I needed counseling. I wondered why she would ask that, when dealing with death was something I was used to. Call me crazy, but I was aware that it was going to be hard, and I was very familiar with all its different stages and how I needed to handle it.

Anyway, reading that blog was inspiring and faith-promoting and I felt that it was time for me to be more open about Lydia's story. Not that I consider myself an inspiring or faith-promoting person, but because maybe there's someone else out there who went through open fetal surgery and lost their only child, and if that's the case, they should know they are not alone. Or maybe its because getting the story out will be my own kind of "therapy." No matter the reason, so begins Part 1 of many, in what I call, "The Lydia Project."


Part 1 - We're Pregnant!!
To tell Lydia's story, I have to start at the beginning. Before we got married, Dan and I talked about when we wanted to start having kids. He was ready to start trying immediately, but was supportive when I suggested that maybe we wait at least a couple of months (after all, I was quitting my job, leaving my family, and moving across the country - I figured a couple months wasn't too much to ask). Dan was fine with whatever I wanted, but when I prayed about it, I knew we needed to start our family right away. So we decided to leave it in the Lord's hands, and it would happen when it was supposed to.

Less than 2 months into our marriage, Jaime & Jenn (old college roomies) came into town for a visit. We talked and talked as only college roommates can do, and before they left, they kept telling me that they just knew I was pregnant (not sure why - are you girls psychic or something?) I secretly hoped beyond hope that they were right, and the morning after they left I took a pregnancy test. The line was faint, but it was there-I was pregnant!!!!! I told Dan and we were both just kind of in shock. As any man would do, Dan had me get a test that would be a little more reliable than the cheapo $1 test I had used - just to be sure. So I took another test, and there was no denying it - we had a baby on the way!

After waiting for so many years to find each other, we felt so blessed to be pregnant already. I wrote in my journal about how I was so grateful and felt that I was being too blessed. I was no longer single and had a wonderful husband, I was FINALLY going to be a mom, and there was no major catastrophic event happening in my life. I was learning to just sit back and enjoy these blessings, while hoping and praying that all would be right with the pregnancy and with the little child growing inside me.

That night Dan and I were talking about it (because what else was there to talk about now) and he told me that he had such a hard time focusing on anything that he finally gave up studying and looked at baby names for a couple hours. In that moment, I couldn't WAIT to watch my husband be a father, and it just made me more excited for 9 months down the road, when I would have someone who would eventually call me, "Mom."

Tradition.Spirit.Honor.

The beginning of the BYU football season is a sacred time in the Ditto household. Watching the games when you don't own a tv can be tough. And when you're surrounded by other poor, starving college students who don't have cable, it gets even tougher. But when it comes to BYU football, its a challenge that husband (and other local die-hard fans) are willing to overcome.

For the last couple of years, we've watched the games in the lounge room of the local med school. Its got a big flat-screen, several couches, a couple fridges, & 2 ping-pong tables (which have made for some entertaining half-times). But the season opener this last week was a doozy. After the 2+ hour rain delay, espn decided they wouldn't air the rest of game. This left us in a bind. Until the med students realized we could watch in one of the lecture rooms. So we did. And it was awesome.

Too bad we lost.

Just a Spoonful of Sugar

Did you know that St. Louis is home to the nation's oldest and largest outdoor musical theater? And they do broadway-style productions throughout the summer. And the last 9 rows (1500 seats) are free. Free = yes please. Especially when the musical is MARY POPPINS!

Of course it was raining. We had to wait in the line under our umbrella, eating our $5.00 pizza. This family loves pizza. And husband is hot in red.

After a 1-hour time delay, it dried up enough to start the show, but right in the middle of "Just a Spoonful of Sugar", the rains came down and they had to pause. It was at this point, after waiting in the rain for over 2 hours, that the 9-year-old next to us turned to her parents and said, "This isn't FUN anymore!" Poor kid.

The rain delay made me think about how figurative spoonfuls of sugar really do help the medicine go down. (Humor my sappiness.) We've had to swallow our fair share of medicine during the past 18 months. When I was pregnant, it seemed that every doctor's appointment was just more bad news. Then we lost our perfect daughter. A couple of months ago, we found out Dan will no longer be attending law school (a long story I'd rather not get into - thank goodness for the MBA program). And for  too many months in a row, we're still not pregnant. Don't get me wrong, we've had plenty of spoonfuls of sugar along the way to help us swallow the medicine, but sometimes it feels like we can't catch a break. 

Well, this week we got a big BOWL of sugar, and it feels oh so good to FINALLY have some good news around here!! I accepted a promotion at work as the newest Advertising Production Coordinator. (Which means I'll be coordinating the printing and distributing of all our company's ads.)  Anyway, I was SO ready for a change, and I think this bowl full of sugar is just what the doctor ordered.

ps - Mary Poppins was INCREDIBLE. Anyone who says otherwise is a scrooge.

Remembering Lydia

Last week we celebrated Lydia's first birthday. And the anniversary of her death. All on the same day. In some ways, it feels like she was born a lifetime ago. In other ways it feels like it was yesterday.

Anniversaries often accompany memories, and all last week I found myself remembering the events that led to Lydia's short life. I remember the tender mercies surrounding the fact that we were in a city that had doctors and facilities that could even handle us. Only 8 cities in the nation have the resources to help us - the fact that we live in one of those cities is not a coincidence.

I remember so so many doctors appointments and visits to the hospital. I practically lived there, and our doctor was constantly shifting his other patients around to make us his priority as Lydia's condition escalated.

I remember 2 days before she was born, after having a myriad of tests (again) to see how her body was doing, walking into a conference room in the hospital that was literally filled with doctors and nurses. All the doctors stood when I entered, out of respect for me. I only wish I had applauded them. They were amazing and fought so hard for us. They had an image of my daughter (still unnamed at that point) projected on a large screen, to show us how the tumor had developed. It was as big as her little body, and her heart was struggling to keep her alive.

I remember the Russian doctor that gave me the epidural before he would administer the general anesthesia for the surgery. The epidural took away my back pain and I smiled wider than I had in a long time from the relief. Oh blessed epidural.

I remember the nurse who told me she had asked her mom to pray for us at the exact time the surgery would start. I later discovered she called her mom several times during the surgery to ask her to keep praying.

I remember saying goodbye to my husband, as he left to sit in the waiting room, while his wife and his unborn child underwent major surgery. He was so strong. And still is.

I remember Lydia's long, long, long fingers; the way her soft head felt while I cradled her in my arms; and her little nose that was the perfect combination of both parent's noses. I shouldn't remember any of that - I had just awoken from an intense, all-day surgery, and the doctor told Dan that I wouldn't be able to remember anything from that day. But thanks to the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father, I remember.

I was in Utah last week, and had the chance to honor her grave. What a blessing it is that she is buried so close to loved ones. I hate that I am so far from her and I cherish any moment I get to spend at my sacred cemetery.

Remember how butterflies are Lydia's thing? Well, I worked hard on my first-ever "creative" cake and came up with this for her cousins to eat on her birthday (yes, it is hopelessly flawed, but it was good therapy for me to make it). I only caught one of the her cousins snitching at the frosting, and when the time came they devoured her cake. She has the best cousins in the world.

Another big tender mercy happened last week. I was with my family at a secluded cabin in Idaho. We've been there countless times (it's an amazing place). But never before have we seen so many butterflies. All weekend long, they were everywhere, literally swarming us at times. I think it was Lydia's way of saying hello to the family who never got to meet her. And I thank God for such tender mercies that remind me of His love and kindness.

Can you find all 3 butterflies?

Happy Birthday, my little angel - we love you!

"This is OUR time! It's OUR time down here!"

Being underground always makes me think of that quote from Goonies.  :)

A while back (as in, a couple of months ago) we took advantage of a groupon deal and toured the Crystal City Mines. No, they were not mining crystals. They're these old sand mines (who knew people mined sand?) and they're ginormous! As in, if we took the canoe tour they offered, we would be there for 4 hours and still not see everything. I was wondering if the town was going to cave in on us. Actually, it seemed more like the size of 3 or 4 towns, so I don't really know how it works, but it was awesome. As it is, we took the 30 minute barge ride and only saw a teeny tiny portion of what the caves have to offer. It was super cool. Cool as in cold. We kind of wished we'd waited until the hot summer to go down there to get a break from the heat - but Dan loved the cold temps and we both loved the fun date night.

 Crystal-clear water. The white stuff on the wall is the sand they were mining.

 The barge had a heater on it. Blessed day! While we rode around the lake on the barge, I kind of felt like we were in the Underworld with Hades. Dan felt like he was in Lord of the Rings. Take your pick.

To the left are bunch of sand volleyball courts. To the right is a glow-in-the-dark frisbee-golf course. And behind us is laser tag. Yes, this place is awesome and if you come visit maybe you'll get a tour!

CAMPING!!

 We are campers. But camping in the midwest is different. There are no mountains, but luckily there is plenty of camping-approved foliage places. However, without going up in elevation to pitch a tent, the temperature is the same in the campground as it is at home. Which means unless you have a fancy trailer with air conditioning, no one camps between Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends. So of course we took advantage of the long weekend in May and LOVED it.

We found this place in Illinois and it was even better than we thought it would be. If you look hard in the picture you can see the lake through the trees beyond our tent. Pretty cool!

I've always wondered why everything tastes better camping. The extra dirt? The extra labor? Not sure.

Hiking. My definition of a hike is to find a trail in the mountains. Remember, no mountains here. So Dan and I kind of laughed when we saw a sign for a hike. It was definitely pretty, and to be honest, I kind of liked that I didn't have to climb up a mountain. And since we got lost it was REALLY long, so it seemed a little more like a "hike." (Note to self, all roads do NOT lead back to the campground).

Um, squirrel hunting? Gross.

Suddenly we came upon this place. It looked like something from Lost.

 This is what it said on the door. Of course we went in. But it actually did smell like death, so we promptly turned around and left.

 Yay for love! And for camping by yourselves so you don't care what you look like (don't judge).

 Literally, the second we made it back from our "hike," the rains started. We hunkered down in the tent to ride-out the storm (thank goodness for Dominion). It let up for about 30 minutes - just enough time to get a fire and dinner going. I was bound and determined to have delicious dutch oven chicken (I did) and peach cobbler (I did). But it took some TLC to keep the coals dry and hot.

The end.

Oh SNAPple

I am the worst blogger ever. In my defense, I work full-time and I'm the rsp in our ward. It doesn't leave much time for blogging, but I'm committing to be better. Rather than give a huge photo dump from the last several months, I'll just give you a highlight of this last weekend and eventually I'll catch-up. Promise.

After surviving the St. Louie tornado Friday night (it was about 25 miles away . . . right next to where I work. Please don't judge me for hoping that the power wouldn't come back on before work started Monday morning. I was "this" close to having the day off. Sigh.) So after surviving the tornado, we headed out Saturday morning for some Dragon Boat Racing. No, we've never done it before. Dan's new MBA program (did I mention husband is now getting an MBA concurrently with his bLaw degree? Talk about over-achiever.) Anyway - his program was competing in this corporate Dragon Boat competition and he signed up to be one of the rowers. And since I'm the wife I went along for the ride. Well, due to some post-tornado bad weather, the races were postponed and a few of the female team members had to leave early, which meant they were desperate for another girl rower. Good thing the wife came along!

Remember how when you go skiing for the first time in a long time you get really sore and find out you have muscles you didn't know you had? Welcome to Dragon Boat racing. Talk about an upper body workout that would make Jillian Michael's proud. I'm still sore. The cool thing is that we took 3rd place and I am now the favorite among Dan's new MBA friends.

We think we're cool.

Oh, and I promise the title to this post has meaning. Due to my awesome couponing skills, Snapple's were on sale for 18 cents each. Husband "made" us buy a LOT of them (I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many we really bought. Don't judge.) If you come visit, I promise we will have an ice-cold Snapple waiting for you in the fridge.