The Lydia Project

Today I was reading a blog of a young mom who's 18-month old drowned in a tragic accident. It was a tender story that touched my heart in so many ways. She was very open about her grief, and I was really impressed with how she dealt with it all. I think in some ways, grieving has become such a norm in my life that I forget it's not normal for everyone else. I remember after Lydia died, my Relief Society president kindly asking if I needed counseling. I wondered why she would ask that, when dealing with death was something I was used to. Call me crazy, but I was aware that it was going to be hard, and I was very familiar with all its different stages and how I needed to handle it.

Anyway, reading that blog was inspiring and faith-promoting and I felt that it was time for me to be more open about Lydia's story. Not that I consider myself an inspiring or faith-promoting person, but because maybe there's someone else out there who went through open fetal surgery and lost their only child, and if that's the case, they should know they are not alone. Or maybe its because getting the story out will be my own kind of "therapy." No matter the reason, so begins Part 1 of many, in what I call, "The Lydia Project."


Part 1 - We're Pregnant!!
To tell Lydia's story, I have to start at the beginning. Before we got married, Dan and I talked about when we wanted to start having kids. He was ready to start trying immediately, but was supportive when I suggested that maybe we wait at least a couple of months (after all, I was quitting my job, leaving my family, and moving across the country - I figured a couple months wasn't too much to ask). Dan was fine with whatever I wanted, but when I prayed about it, I knew we needed to start our family right away. So we decided to leave it in the Lord's hands, and it would happen when it was supposed to.

Less than 2 months into our marriage, Jaime & Jenn (old college roomies) came into town for a visit. We talked and talked as only college roommates can do, and before they left, they kept telling me that they just knew I was pregnant (not sure why - are you girls psychic or something?) I secretly hoped beyond hope that they were right, and the morning after they left I took a pregnancy test. The line was faint, but it was there-I was pregnant!!!!! I told Dan and we were both just kind of in shock. As any man would do, Dan had me get a test that would be a little more reliable than the cheapo $1 test I had used - just to be sure. So I took another test, and there was no denying it - we had a baby on the way!

After waiting for so many years to find each other, we felt so blessed to be pregnant already. I wrote in my journal about how I was so grateful and felt that I was being too blessed. I was no longer single and had a wonderful husband, I was FINALLY going to be a mom, and there was no major catastrophic event happening in my life. I was learning to just sit back and enjoy these blessings, while hoping and praying that all would be right with the pregnancy and with the little child growing inside me.

That night Dan and I were talking about it (because what else was there to talk about now) and he told me that he had such a hard time focusing on anything that he finally gave up studying and looked at baby names for a couple hours. In that moment, I couldn't WAIT to watch my husband be a father, and it just made me more excited for 9 months down the road, when I would have someone who would eventually call me, "Mom."