Provident Living

I remember all growing up, my dad used to walk around the house saying "Provident living." As a naive little girl who believed everything her parents told her, here is what I thought it meant to live providently:

• The lights in the house stay off at (almost) all costs. Walking through dark hallways in the basement is normal and necessary as turning on the lights will increase the utility bill.
• Shoes are worn until they have holes in them. And if you're my dad, you wear your shoes until they get holes, use duct tape to patch the holes, and then wear the duct tape through. Repeat this process several times until your wife forces you to buy a new pair of shoes.
• Sponges that are used to clean the bathrooms are used until they start falling apart. Only then should they be replaced.
• Powdered milk. Back before Morning Moo's came out, it wasn't too bad - except for the after taste. I learned to leave one bite of mush at the end of breakfast - I would gulp down the last of my milk and quickly shove in the last bit of mush to dull the powdered milk after-taste.
• Windshield wipers are only used during torrential downpours, and even then you leave them on the lowest setting. It makes perfect sense, because the more you use the windshield wipers the sooner they will go out.

As I grew into the mature adult that I am, I realized that I don't have to be quite as provident as I thought. No, we don't drink powdered milk, and Dan hasn't duct taped any of his shoes (however if he has the windshield wipers going when it's not raining I simply MUST reach over and turn them off - it's still a pet peeve of mine). But in light of the school loans that blaw school is requiring, I have become a nerdy couponer. I promise I'm not crazy and I don't hoard, but I've been amazed at how much I'm able to save. And I can't believe I used to waste so much money paying full price for everything. I've even got Dan into it. This picture is from a couponing date night (after the temple of course). Thanks to triple-couponing week, we scored $70 worth of groceries for $24. Yay for coupons and husbands who will come with me sometimes. :)

How are you REALLY doing?

I get that question a lot lately, and since many of you are dear friends who I can't catch-up with over lunch at Zupa's, I thought I'd give an update.

Physically I am doing really well. I don't nap like a 2-year-old anymore (which is good since I'm working full-time again) and I'm actually back at the gym (shock!) I thought it would be a good idea to start doing some crunches as my baby belly pooch is definitely still in the way. However, my first attempt at a sit-up brought back some extremely painful memories and I had flashbacks to the hospital days. I almost screamed, but there was a guy with a creepster mustache next to me and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. :)  So we'll wait awhile before trying those again.

Emotionally, we are doing better than we thought we would be. Honestly, Dan and I have had several conversations about how well we are doing, and how we know it stems from so many prayers. We are happy, we are surviving, and our marriage is stronger than ever. I picked up Lydia's birth certificate a few weeks ago - for some reason knowing she lived even for a short time brings comfort as it means that her spirit and her body were united on this earth. That being said, there are still many heart-wrenching moments as well as days of general sadness. As one who is accustomed to grief, I know this is normal and those days and moments will never fully go away. I miss my baby more than my heart can stand sometimes, and seeing little babies every where I go doesn't help, but time and the atonement heal many wounds. There have also been very tender moments where I have felt her next to me, cheering me on. Sometimes I can almost hear her saying, "Come on Mom, you can do it!" I cherish those moments.

Lydia's headstone was placed a couple of weeks ago, and while I haven't seen it in person, but the family sent pictures for me. Here you can see Lydia's headstone, the bench for my mom, and my sister's headstone. They say death comes in three's, so hopefully this means my family is done for a while. A long while.

A story about the butterfly: while we were in the hospital, Dan and I quickly noticed there was a small butterfuly hanging on the wall just outside our door, but not on any other patient's doors. We realized the hospital staff used it as a symbol so they would know to be sensitive to the fact that our baby had died. Now whenever we see a butterfuly we are reminded of Lydia, and the love we have for her. It's amazing how many butterflies I have seen in the last 3 months. A friend suggested we have some sort of symbol to represent Lydia in future family pictures, so of course we decided on the butterfly. In coming years when you see our family pictures, know that somewhere in the shot is a butterfly. A moment in our arms, forever in our hearts.

And just in case you missed the Saturday morning session of General Conference, you have got to listen to this talk by Elder Bowen. He gives voice to any parent who has ever lost a child - his description of the emotions that parents feel is very accurate, and this was obviously my favorite talk.

Sometimes, we have fun.

A few weekends ago we jumped on the "highway" and headed to Nashville. Our good friends Emily and Mike braved it with us (they're the bestest!)
Some of the highlights:

• The bloody hotel (vomit)
• Our waiter . . . or was it our waitress? (gender issues)
• The tunes on main street (hello awesome blues band and dueling pianos)
• The coupon book that saved us roughly $73 dollars
•  The pool - or lack thereof
• Opryland Hotel. Seriously, so cool.
• Randomly stopping for gas in Metropolis, Illinois - hometown of Superman.

And I had to remind myself that I still know photoshop. Lucky you!

"Spjute-ing It"

Confession to anyone who doesn't know me (because I'm pretty sure everyone who does know me, already knows this): I am kind of (really) OCD when it comes to being prepared for things and thinking ahead about what I might need.  I guess I just don't like the stress that comes when things have to be done last-minute, so I try to avoid it at all costs, and I like to get things done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

For examples:

• I'm either early or on time to basically everything.
• All throughout my school years, I ALWAYS had big projects done at least a week in advance. Yes, I was that annoying student who never turned anything in late. Ever.
• BEFORE I was officially engaged: I had an appointment to get my dress (and I already had my choice of dresses narrowed down to just a few), the temple was reserved, the luncheon room and reception rooms were both reserved, the live music for the reception was booked, the photographer was booked (along with a date and time for our engagement photos to be taken), and I had informed my boss he was going to need a new teacher in January. (Good thing neither of us backed out!)
• At my first "We're pregnant!" doctor's appointment, the nurse gave us a bunch of informational pamphlets - one included the info for an all-day "birthing" class at the hospital and she told me they filled up quickly so I would want to book right away. Like any good girl, I gave them a call the following week. The secretary told me they would book us for a class that was fairly close to our due date and asked when mine was. I told her. There was silence on the other line before she busted up laughing.  She said she'd NEVER had anyone sign up that early. Pretty sure I made for a good story among her co-workers that day. (Yes, I know I'm a freak.)

Dan "loves" this about me, and came up with a new verb after we got engaged. He said I could "Spjute" out any task in half the time a normal person could. Generally this overly-efficient way of living is good, but sometimes it makes me too impatient if I can't "Spjute" something out right away. For example, waiting 9 months for a baby to come is WAY too long if you ask me.

So after we found out we were pregnant I started looking for deals on baby stuff - both new and used, and started my collection (we had her crib when I was only 16 weeks prego). I'd say I had more than the average amount of stuff for how far along we were, and since my family threw me a shower I had bags full of cute girl clothes.

I stored almost everything in the closet in the spare bedroom, and since Lydia's passing I have avoided making eye contact with it whenever I had to open the closet door. But I couldn't let it sit there forever, so last week I decided it was time to put it all away. For now. You want to know the amazing thing? I didn't cry. I let myself feel of Lydia's spirit and I truly enjoyed all the really cute things we had. I laid out all the clothes/quilts and took a picture - little girls are just so cute!

I even imagined Lydia wearing each outfit. I folded each piece of clothing and placed it gently in a bin, anxious for the day when Lydia's little sister can wear her "hand-me-downs" while I tell her stories about her older sister who fought so hard for her brief life. In the mean time, I'm sure that every once in a while I will need to get out my box of baby things so I can enjoy the fact that - although her time here was too short - I have a baby girl. And a beautiful one at that.

Le Weep!

Thursday night I made a tragic discovery: my old-school ipod is gone. It might be older, heavier, and thicker than your ipod, but it has stood the test of time and probably has more miles on it than a 1990 Honda Civic.

For the past six years, this thing has been with me in virtually every trip to the gym, helped me stay awake during my daily 30-minute-each-way commute (thank goodness for books-on-iPod), and has traveled with me to Japan, England, Mexico, Canada, Hawaii, Minneapolis, Long Beach, San Francisco, Dallas, Idaho, Oregon, Chicago, Catalina Island, Houston, New York, Seattle, Montana, and probably a few more places I can't remember.

Where is my dear friend? Somewhere in the hands of a Delta employee. It's true. I left it on my last flight (I blame it on the pain meds). But since I haven't been doing any exercising, traveling, or commuting in the last 4 weeks, I didn't notice it was missing until now, and Delta only holds lost and found items for 7 days. Sigh.

My future commuting and trips to the gym could get VERY long. Donations to Pennies for Pods are now being accepted. :)

Recovering

I've decided I'm getting old. While I do recognize that I went through a very major surgery, I am here to tell you that my body is not bouncing back like it would have 5 years ago. I'm a mere 6 weeks from turning the dreaded 30. Woof.

Anyway, I am definitely recovering, and I no longer look like Tim Allen in the movie The Santa Clause (remember how he has to wear sweats to a business meeting to cover up his embarrassing weight gain and he tells people he got stung by a really big bee? That was me!) I'm done retaining water and am now just waiting for my uterus to get back to normal size (apologies to my dad for the use of the "u" word). I don't have energy to run a marathon (or walk one) - so my days are filled with random things: lots of reading, I have to get in at least one episode of Lost each day (thank you netflix), and lots of sleep (I realized the other day that I am like a 2 year old. I sleep at least 10 hours each night, and if I don't get my afternoon nap I get grumpy.) But all in all, I'm doing well and the doctors say I'm coming right along. :)

Here are some random pics for your viewing pleasure:

 This picture doesn't do it justice, but during one of our hospital visits, my i.v. blew and my hand swelled to gargantuan size in a matter of minutes. Dan thought it was cool.

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Just in case you're lucky enough to never have been in the hospital for an extended period of time, flowers really do help brighten the dreary rooms. I'm not exaggerating when I say that every person who walked into our room commented on how beautiful the flowers looked, and how wonderful they smelled. They were right. THANK YOU to those who contributed to this floral blissfulness.

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Lydia's burial dress. Isn't it BEAUTIFUL? Custom-made by a wonderful family friend in Utah. She's amazing enough that she even made us 2 identical dresses, so I have one to cherish forever. THANK YOU!

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My "Lydia Shrine." People have been extremely kind and generous to us during this difficult time. A roommate from college painted "The Lydia Tree" you see on the left. The blanket is the very same one we wrapped her in at the hospital. And the list goes on - so many amazing things to help honor our little girl. THANK YOU!

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And who knew? Apparently my husband should quit school and start his own sandwich-making shop. Seriously - he's a genius when it comes to crafting a delicious masterpiece. Here's what he said moments before I snapped this photo: "It's kind of like holding a giant fish!" Love.Him.

14 in 2!

It's true. I lost 14 pounds in 2 days and am now considering a debut on the Biggest Loser. :) We are home from the hospital and I think it's safe to say that I am now recovering like a normal person. I still have some more water weight to lose, but all-in-all, it feels good to have my body back to normal-ish size. Oh that losing weight after the holidays could be as quick!