The Boring One

It is a well-known fact that most families have a "fun" parent, and a boring - I mean "practical" -  parent. Tragically, I am the practical one. Someone has to be practical, right? Someone also to have the sleeping habits of an 87-year-old grandma, and I win on that one as well (no offense to the 87-year-old grandma's out there). This makes a bad combination for any sort of late-night fun.

Sometimes Dan gets to stay up late studying - I'm the practical/grandma wife who doesn't stay up with him. So the other night when husband came in at 12:30 in the am from studying and announced that it was snowing, he was lucky that I cracked open one eye in acknowledgement. Usually I just roll over and go back to sleep, but we got chatting about something and before I knew it husband was BEGGING me to go play in the snow with him. Wasn't.Even.Tempted. He did get me to take a peek out the window at the "beautiful" snow. To my dismay he was right - it was gorgeous. But still not enough of a draw to get me out into the cold - especially because we both had to be at church at 7 am for meetings. But he kept begging and his persistence paid off and before I knew it I was pulling out the snow clothes and getting bundled up.

It was beautiful and SO peaceful. I've never seen more than a dusting of snow out here, so getting 4-5 inches was a big deal. And it was so quiet - usually we can almost always hear some sort of police/fire siren going off, or some gangstah driving by with loud music playing, but not this night. It was the quietest St. Louie has ever been and I loved it! Of course we had to make a snowman. Guess what? Missouri snow is WAY better than Utah snow for snowman building. Very wet and packable, unlike the dry powder back at home. Stu the snowman was created in just a few minutes - isn't he cute?

 See . . . pretty!

 Dan and Stu

 How Embarrassing

Even though we didn't get back in bed til after 2 am, it was well worth the good times. Maybe I'm not so boring after all. :)

Remembering Lydia

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving here in St. Louis (thanks for asking). Husband literally begged me to make a pie. I wasn't in charge of the pies, but he wanted left-overs for "Friday Morning Pie Extravaganza" (aka, eat left-over pie for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving). I finally gave in. But one pie was not enough because there must be "choices" on F.M.P.E. Sigh. Good thing I'm the best wife ever. I made a pie and an almost-pie (apple crisp - I didn't want to worry about a crust). So here we are on F.M.P.E. enjoying pie (a tradition I am grateful we have - so fun and so delish and making a banana cream pie from scratch is SUPER easy.)

The rest of F.M.P.E. was spent putting up Christmas while husband studied. You can't tell from the picture, but our FREE pre-lit Christmas tree smells like a combination of an old lady, cigarettes, and wet cat. Thanks to an entire can of Febreeze and our scentsy we don't even notice it anymore. :)

If you look close you can see the butterfly ornaments - of course for Lydia. Love them.

While I absolutely love this time of year, it does not come without some sadness. Most of my Christmas decorations were either given to me by my Mom, or inherited after she died. Each has a memory and a sense of longing for things that are no more. Oh how I wanted to place Lydia under the sparkling Christmas tree so she could enjoy staring at the lights. But amidst the tears that I allowed to flow freely on that day, I could not deny the feelings of Peace, Joy, and Love that came from decorating for the CHRISTmas season. What a wonderful Gift we have been given in the gift of the Savior's birth and life.

Thanks to a good friend who helped inspire this idea, we have come up with a way to help remember Lydia at Christmas.  For each act of service we give during the month of December,we add a hershey Kiss to her stocking. (Yes, doing the dishes counts as an act of service in my book - I figure the more kisses the better.) I might not be able to kiss my baby now, but I can honor her and love her in other ways. I can't wait until Lydia has younger siblings who can help us fill the stocking - I think it will be a great way for them to connect with their big sis.

We're heading back home in 11 days. SO EXCITED! Can't wait to stuff my face all week long, spend time with family, and visit Lydia's grave. It will be a wonderful week. Merry Christmas one and all!

Provident Living

I remember all growing up, my dad used to walk around the house saying "Provident living." As a naive little girl who believed everything her parents told her, here is what I thought it meant to live providently:

• The lights in the house stay off at (almost) all costs. Walking through dark hallways in the basement is normal and necessary as turning on the lights will increase the utility bill.
• Shoes are worn until they have holes in them. And if you're my dad, you wear your shoes until they get holes, use duct tape to patch the holes, and then wear the duct tape through. Repeat this process several times until your wife forces you to buy a new pair of shoes.
• Sponges that are used to clean the bathrooms are used until they start falling apart. Only then should they be replaced.
• Powdered milk. Back before Morning Moo's came out, it wasn't too bad - except for the after taste. I learned to leave one bite of mush at the end of breakfast - I would gulp down the last of my milk and quickly shove in the last bit of mush to dull the powdered milk after-taste.
• Windshield wipers are only used during torrential downpours, and even then you leave them on the lowest setting. It makes perfect sense, because the more you use the windshield wipers the sooner they will go out.

As I grew into the mature adult that I am, I realized that I don't have to be quite as provident as I thought. No, we don't drink powdered milk, and Dan hasn't duct taped any of his shoes (however if he has the windshield wipers going when it's not raining I simply MUST reach over and turn them off - it's still a pet peeve of mine). But in light of the school loans that blaw school is requiring, I have become a nerdy couponer. I promise I'm not crazy and I don't hoard, but I've been amazed at how much I'm able to save. And I can't believe I used to waste so much money paying full price for everything. I've even got Dan into it. This picture is from a couponing date night (after the temple of course). Thanks to triple-couponing week, we scored $70 worth of groceries for $24. Yay for coupons and husbands who will come with me sometimes. :)

How are you REALLY doing?

I get that question a lot lately, and since many of you are dear friends who I can't catch-up with over lunch at Zupa's, I thought I'd give an update.

Physically I am doing really well. I don't nap like a 2-year-old anymore (which is good since I'm working full-time again) and I'm actually back at the gym (shock!) I thought it would be a good idea to start doing some crunches as my baby belly pooch is definitely still in the way. However, my first attempt at a sit-up brought back some extremely painful memories and I had flashbacks to the hospital days. I almost screamed, but there was a guy with a creepster mustache next to me and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. :)  So we'll wait awhile before trying those again.

Emotionally, we are doing better than we thought we would be. Honestly, Dan and I have had several conversations about how well we are doing, and how we know it stems from so many prayers. We are happy, we are surviving, and our marriage is stronger than ever. I picked up Lydia's birth certificate a few weeks ago - for some reason knowing she lived even for a short time brings comfort as it means that her spirit and her body were united on this earth. That being said, there are still many heart-wrenching moments as well as days of general sadness. As one who is accustomed to grief, I know this is normal and those days and moments will never fully go away. I miss my baby more than my heart can stand sometimes, and seeing little babies every where I go doesn't help, but time and the atonement heal many wounds. There have also been very tender moments where I have felt her next to me, cheering me on. Sometimes I can almost hear her saying, "Come on Mom, you can do it!" I cherish those moments.

Lydia's headstone was placed a couple of weeks ago, and while I haven't seen it in person, but the family sent pictures for me. Here you can see Lydia's headstone, the bench for my mom, and my sister's headstone. They say death comes in three's, so hopefully this means my family is done for a while. A long while.

A story about the butterfly: while we were in the hospital, Dan and I quickly noticed there was a small butterfuly hanging on the wall just outside our door, but not on any other patient's doors. We realized the hospital staff used it as a symbol so they would know to be sensitive to the fact that our baby had died. Now whenever we see a butterfuly we are reminded of Lydia, and the love we have for her. It's amazing how many butterflies I have seen in the last 3 months. A friend suggested we have some sort of symbol to represent Lydia in future family pictures, so of course we decided on the butterfly. In coming years when you see our family pictures, know that somewhere in the shot is a butterfly. A moment in our arms, forever in our hearts.

And just in case you missed the Saturday morning session of General Conference, you have got to listen to this talk by Elder Bowen. He gives voice to any parent who has ever lost a child - his description of the emotions that parents feel is very accurate, and this was obviously my favorite talk.

Sometimes, we have fun.

A few weekends ago we jumped on the "highway" and headed to Nashville. Our good friends Emily and Mike braved it with us (they're the bestest!)
Some of the highlights:

• The bloody hotel (vomit)
• Our waiter . . . or was it our waitress? (gender issues)
• The tunes on main street (hello awesome blues band and dueling pianos)
• The coupon book that saved us roughly $73 dollars
•  The pool - or lack thereof
• Opryland Hotel. Seriously, so cool.
• Randomly stopping for gas in Metropolis, Illinois - hometown of Superman.

And I had to remind myself that I still know photoshop. Lucky you!

"Spjute-ing It"

Confession to anyone who doesn't know me (because I'm pretty sure everyone who does know me, already knows this): I am kind of (really) OCD when it comes to being prepared for things and thinking ahead about what I might need.  I guess I just don't like the stress that comes when things have to be done last-minute, so I try to avoid it at all costs, and I like to get things done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

For examples:

• I'm either early or on time to basically everything.
• All throughout my school years, I ALWAYS had big projects done at least a week in advance. Yes, I was that annoying student who never turned anything in late. Ever.
• BEFORE I was officially engaged: I had an appointment to get my dress (and I already had my choice of dresses narrowed down to just a few), the temple was reserved, the luncheon room and reception rooms were both reserved, the live music for the reception was booked, the photographer was booked (along with a date and time for our engagement photos to be taken), and I had informed my boss he was going to need a new teacher in January. (Good thing neither of us backed out!)
• At my first "We're pregnant!" doctor's appointment, the nurse gave us a bunch of informational pamphlets - one included the info for an all-day "birthing" class at the hospital and she told me they filled up quickly so I would want to book right away. Like any good girl, I gave them a call the following week. The secretary told me they would book us for a class that was fairly close to our due date and asked when mine was. I told her. There was silence on the other line before she busted up laughing.  She said she'd NEVER had anyone sign up that early. Pretty sure I made for a good story among her co-workers that day. (Yes, I know I'm a freak.)

Dan "loves" this about me, and came up with a new verb after we got engaged. He said I could "Spjute" out any task in half the time a normal person could. Generally this overly-efficient way of living is good, but sometimes it makes me too impatient if I can't "Spjute" something out right away. For example, waiting 9 months for a baby to come is WAY too long if you ask me.

So after we found out we were pregnant I started looking for deals on baby stuff - both new and used, and started my collection (we had her crib when I was only 16 weeks prego). I'd say I had more than the average amount of stuff for how far along we were, and since my family threw me a shower I had bags full of cute girl clothes.

I stored almost everything in the closet in the spare bedroom, and since Lydia's passing I have avoided making eye contact with it whenever I had to open the closet door. But I couldn't let it sit there forever, so last week I decided it was time to put it all away. For now. You want to know the amazing thing? I didn't cry. I let myself feel of Lydia's spirit and I truly enjoyed all the really cute things we had. I laid out all the clothes/quilts and took a picture - little girls are just so cute!

I even imagined Lydia wearing each outfit. I folded each piece of clothing and placed it gently in a bin, anxious for the day when Lydia's little sister can wear her "hand-me-downs" while I tell her stories about her older sister who fought so hard for her brief life. In the mean time, I'm sure that every once in a while I will need to get out my box of baby things so I can enjoy the fact that - although her time here was too short - I have a baby girl. And a beautiful one at that.

Le Weep!

Thursday night I made a tragic discovery: my old-school ipod is gone. It might be older, heavier, and thicker than your ipod, but it has stood the test of time and probably has more miles on it than a 1990 Honda Civic.

For the past six years, this thing has been with me in virtually every trip to the gym, helped me stay awake during my daily 30-minute-each-way commute (thank goodness for books-on-iPod), and has traveled with me to Japan, England, Mexico, Canada, Hawaii, Minneapolis, Long Beach, San Francisco, Dallas, Idaho, Oregon, Chicago, Catalina Island, Houston, New York, Seattle, Montana, and probably a few more places I can't remember.

Where is my dear friend? Somewhere in the hands of a Delta employee. It's true. I left it on my last flight (I blame it on the pain meds). But since I haven't been doing any exercising, traveling, or commuting in the last 4 weeks, I didn't notice it was missing until now, and Delta only holds lost and found items for 7 days. Sigh.

My future commuting and trips to the gym could get VERY long. Donations to Pennies for Pods are now being accepted. :)